Welcome to Houseplant Addicts Anonymous

"Hi, my name is Diane, and I am a Houseplant Addict."

When you go to a store (grocery, home improvement, Target) and see plants for sale, are you physically incapable of leaving without buying one? Do you buy plants and then realize you have no room for them in your home? Do you baby your plants, clipping dead leaves and rearranging the pots, at least once a week? If you have a garden, is it a jumble of unmatched plants that you purchased without thinking how they would look in your yard? Have you taken cuttings, rooted spider plants, or divided perennials just because the idea of free plants is too irresistible to pass up? Have you discovered that the cupholders in your car are the perfect size for small plants coming home from the store? Do any or all of your plants have names? When you are on vacation, do you call home to check on your houseplants? Have you ever made a web page about houseplants? Has a dying plant ever made you cry?

 

Scoring: 0 = Congratulations! You are not a Houseplant Addict. You lead a bland life filled with unrewarding activities. Your friends tease you about your "brown thumb." You hire people to do your gardening. Prognosis: You will lead a long, healthy life watching your artificial ivy collect dust. 1-3 = You are beginning to show signs of Houseplant Addiction. You spend an hour at the store choosing the one perfect plant to take home with you. You have a small plant stand for displaying your plants. You are learning how to force bulbs. Prognosis: 50-50 chance of recovery. It's not too late to nip this in the bud (so to speak). Avoid nurseries and garden shows. 4-7 = You are a borderline Houseplant Addict. You have installed hanging planters because your home is running out of surface area. The words "plant sale" cause your heart rate to increase. You know the difference between vermiculite and perlite, and you've set aside a place in your home that is strictly devoted to transplanting. You have purchased your first bonsai. Prognosis: Houseplant Addiction is a progressive disease, and it might already be too late to stop. Seek professional counseling. 8-10 = You are a certified Houseplant Addict. You pretend that your philodendrons are competing in a "longest vine" race. You have a favorite brand of potting soil. You took pictures when your spider plant had its first babies. You build custom wall-sized plant stands to replace most of your furniture. You decorate your plants for the holidays. Prognosis: You might as well enjoy it, because there is no cure.

Houseplants require a lot of dirt. Buy a car before trying to haul heavy bags of potting soil to your house on foot or on bike. Vining houseplants will root in your carpet. Houseplants find it amusing to become topheavy and tip over their pots. Houseplants can bake in sunny windows. When watering houseplants, make sure the tip of the watering can is under the leaves. Otherwise, the leaves act like a downspout and divert water onto the floor. This is especially important to remember when watering hanging plants. Hamsters and cats like houseplants. Male dogs also like houseplants (for a different reason). Some houseplants are poisonous; if you think the human or non-human members of your household might want to nibble, check here before buying. Waggy dog tails are like weed-whackers. Keep your plants away from the front door and other happy places. Don't try to give your houseplants individual names; many people have gone mad trying to remember the names they gave their plants. If you name them all the same thing, they respond just as well. Little spider mites will spread before you even know they're there. If you have a job, a family, or any other activities that take up your time, bonsai may not be the right hobby for you. Flowering plants look great at the store but chances are you'll never see them flower again. Buy for the foliage instead.

Back to Chapter the fourth