Subject: NEW: A Sort of Homecoming (VOY [PG] J, J/C, 1/1) Date: Sun, 29 Aug 1999 00:10:45 -0500 From: Lorelei Organization: Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Title: A Sort of Homecoming Author: Lorelei Contact: bint@iname.com Series: VOY Rating: PG Codes: J, J/C Part: 1/1 NEW Date: 29 August 1999 Summary: Convinced that they will never see Earth again, Janeway attempts to lose herself in her dreams of home. Sadness ahead! You have been warned. Note: This is my first songfic. Lyrics from U2's "A Sort of Homecoming," from The Unforgettable Fire, one of the best albums ever recorded. Archive: ASC OK, anyone else ask. Feedback: But of course! bint@iname.com A Sort of Homecoming by Lorelei, c. 1999 *** And you know it's time to go Through the sleet and driving snow Across the fields of mourning Light in the distance And you hunger for the time Time to heal, desire, time And your earth moves beneath Your own dream landscape *** She awakened slowly, clinging to the last remnants of the dream. The images eluded her, and she blinked into the darkness, struggling to recall them. Somewhere wonderful, under a warm sun, endless fields of something lush and green and gold rippling like ocean waves. A place where she felt whole. Home. She had been dreaming of Indiana, for the first time in many years. She sat up in her bed, feeling as empty as the cold darkness of her quarters. There had been a time when to be here, in the captain's quarters of a starship, was the only dream in her heart. Her childish naivete now seemed ludicrous. Why would anyone trade a living planet for the barren, hostile vacuum of space? If life had been intended to exist in such desolate places, interstellar space would be teeming with organisms. Her chosen existence, she realized, was nothing short of unnatural. She shivered and hugged herself for warmth, painfully aware of the endless landscape of the galaxy stretched out on either side of Voyager's road like a graveyard in winter. How many crew members had she buried out here? How long before she herself joined them? The violent contrast between her dreamworld and her reality made her understand for the first time that she was less of a human being than she'd once been. She was wasting away, physically and emotionally, here under the stark cold light of passing stars, dissolving into a dreary shadow of her former self. She yearned for the cheering touch of the yellow sun. Drowsy and reluctant to face the responsibilities of an increasingly fruitless job, she curled up under the blankets again, hoping to recapture the dreamworld that had teased her so cruelly. *** I'll be there I'll be there Tonight A high road A high road out from here *** ...captain...captain, wake up... The roads were deceptive out here. They seemed perfectly straight and flat, and yet the gently rolling hills would obscure all but the next fifty yards and then unexpectedly open up an infinite vista of gold-striped Midwestern terrain. Shrugging off a nagging voice that buzzed about her head like a mosquito, she walked up the road, in full Starfleet uniform, straining her eyes for that first glimpse of home. She crested a low hill, and suddenly there it was, the house of her childhood, its peeling paint and shady porch welcoming her. She spied a face at the door, and began to run towards her mother's outstretched arms. "Captain Janeway," her mother called urgently. Kathryn stopped, startled. "Captain, you must wake up." Her mother wasn't speaking; the voice came from somewhere else. She opened her eyes. "Finally! Captain, you had us quite concerned!" admonished the Doctor, hovering over her with a hypospray. "How do you feel?" "I don't feel anything," she sighed, putting her arm across her eyes to block out the light. *** And we live by the side of the road On the side of a hill As the valley explode Dislocated, suffocated The land grows weary of its own *** The EMH's hypospray kept her frustratingly awake for the entire shift, even though she had forgone her usual morning coffee. The day was a carbon copy of thousands of days she'd already seen. She wandered listlessly through her duties, reading reports, leading Voyager through yet another alien skirmish, and directing the never-ending repairs to Voyager's weakening systems. The ship itself was tired and was trying to tell them in a hundred different ways that all it wanted to do was lie down on a nice planet and rest. She could relate. Maybe it was time to just admit they were never going to reach Earth. Maintaining the illusion of hope took more energy than she or her ship could muster any longer. *** Oh, oh, oh...on borderland we run And still we run We run and don't look back I'll be there I'll be there Tonight Tonight *** She was running across the lawn with her dog, teasing her with a squeaky rubber ball and then throwing it. Bear ran after it joyously, seized it with mock ferociousness, and then returned to drop it in Kathryn's lap. The breeze shimmered through Kathryn's long hair, and Bear's silky fur, as they bounded through the prairie grass. Her mother and sister serenely observed their play from the comfort of wicker chairs on the front porch. The four female Janeways, connected to each other as to the bountiful land on which they had been raised, reveled in their bond and in the life-giving sunshine. A rude jolt caused her eyes to fly open. She had fallen asleep in her ready room, her cheek lying on the hard surface of the desk. Chakotay was standing over her, concerned. "Captain," he said. "I've been trying to wake you for ten minutes!" "Let me sleep," she mumbled, closing her eyes again. "No! You have to stop acting like this. You have a responsibility to this ship, to the crew!" he said sharply. She opened her eyes wearily. "You can have them, Chakotay. I'm tired. I'm tired of always being on the road. I'm going home now." Her fingers flexed as if to reach for his, then subsided on the desk. "Don’t be sad... I'm not." She closed her eyes. Unable to rouse her again, he called for an emergency medical transport. *** Tonight we'll build a bridge Across the sea and land See the sky, the burning rain She will die and live again Tonight *** Chakotay had brought her back to her quarters and set her on the sofa. She stared straight ahead, unseeing, letting him pose her hands on her lap and fluff the pillows behind her back. He kept up a steady banter of mindless talk, hoping to get a reaction out of her, but she didn't appear to hear him. The Doctor had been seriously alarmed by her deteriorated physical and mental condition, which had no apparent cause other than an advanced case of depression. In fact, the EMH had told him somberly that she showed all the signs of a woman dying of old age, even though she was barely forty. If she'd had an illness, the Doctor could have treated it. But this rapid wasting away... She had no will to live, and there was nothing medical science could do for her. Fighting down his tears, he settled in next to her and took her into his arms. She wouldn't let him into her life before, but he sensed that her time was running out, and no one should have to be alone as they began their final journey. "I love you, Kathryn," he whispered into her hair. *** "It's not enough, Chakotay," she murmured. "What did you say, dear?" her mother called from the kitchen, her voice floating on a breeze laden with baking brownies and ripening corn. "Nothing, Mom," she called. "I'm just so happy to be home." *** And your heart beats so slow Through the rain and fallen snow Across the fields of mourning Light's in the distance Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep For tonight, at last I am coming home I am coming home END ---- Lorelei - bint@iname.com